


Come Dine With Me in the TARDIS

by nostalgia



Category: Come Dine With Me (UK), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Multi, accidental incest thanks moffat, oldfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1928421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's... a Doctor Who/Come Dine With Me crossover. Yeah.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come Dine With Me in the TARDIS

_Our first host this week is Amy Pond, a kissagram from Leadworth. Amy enjoys arts and crafts, travel, and fighting for social justice for gingers._

 

"Hang on," said Amy, "I think I've forgotten something really important."

"Um," said the Doctor. 

"The wine!"

"Ah," said the Doctor. "I like wine. Do I like wine? I think I like wine. What kind of wine is it?"

"£5.99, so it's the good stuff."

"Ah, Chataeu Tesco, 2009 vintage," sneered the Master. 

"Are you going to kiss us all for a party-piece?" asked River after they had finished eating what everyone (except the Master) agreed was a very nice meal.

"You don't have to do a party-piece," said Amy, "that's just for gaining extra points because you don't think your food was good enough. And I know my food was good enough."

"It was adequate," said the Master. 

"I'm going to win fairly," said Amy, quite determined.

"Yes," agreed the Doctor, "fairly or not at all."

"No," she said, dangerously, "I _am_ going to win. That thousand pounds is mine. You two are aliens so you don't need it, and they're probably on the Euro by River's time."

"You'd be surprised," said River. 

 

"I wasn't sure about the refusing to kiss us," said the Doctor, "but I really like her so I'm going to give her a 10."

 

_Our second host is archeologist River Song. We asked about her menu and she said "Spoilers." So it could be anything, really._

 

The Doctor prodded his pasta suspiciously. "Is there oregano in this?"

"Oh, yes," said River, smiling. 

"You do know what that does to Time Lords, don't you?"

"Oh, _yes_ ," said River. 

The Doctor stared at River. Then he carefully put a loaded fork into his mouth and chewed slowly with a thoughtful expression. 

"Don't I get oregano?" asked the Master petulantly.

"No," said River and the Doctor as one.

"What does it do to Time Lords?" asked Amy, naively. "Is she trying to poison him? Isn't that cheating?"

The Master leered at her. 

"Oh." Amy blushed. "Well, that has to be cheating. I don't see how that's not cheating."

The Doctor was looking quite flustered by the time River served the dessert. "Is there oregano in this ice-cream?"

"Yes."

"River, can I have a word with you in the other room?" asked the Doctor, standing and holding his napkin in front of him in what he probably thought of as a subtle way.

"Of course, Sweetie." And they left.

There was a long awkward silence between the others.

"I think we should leave," said Amy.

"I think we should watch," said the Master.

"No, leaving is the best idea. I'm sure they're... talking about something very boring." 

"That would explain the thuds," said the Master.

 

"I wasn't sure about the oregano," said the Doctor the next morning, "but I really like her so I'm going to give her a 10."

 

_Our third host is the Master, a Time Lord from Gallifrey, who enjoys evil and universal domination. In true evil style the Master has refused to cook anything and is ordering in a curry. What a naughty boy he is._

"Why do I have to have the korma?" asked the Doctor sulkily.

"Because you're bland."

"I'm at least a rogan josh!" he complained.

"Did you really cook all this?" asked Amy. 

"No."

"That's cheating!"

"Yes."

"He's evil," said the Doctor. "That's what evil people do."

"Is the Master your ex-wife?" asked Amy. "Is he Mrs Doctor from the past?"

"No," said the Master as the Doctor said "Yes."

"I see," said Amy. "Am I the only one here who hasn't had sex with him?"

River patted her hand. "There's always at least one unwanted revelation."

 

"I wasn't sure about the bare-faced cheating," said the Doctor, "but I really like... I mean hate him, so I'm going to give him a 10."

 

_The fourth and final host for this week is the Doctor, another Time Lord, who lists his interests as travel, meeting people, saving planets, and angsting._

 

"Not bad for a man whose first meal was fish fingers in custard," said Amy. 

The Doctor expressed his pride with his expressive hands.

"And you didn't even cheat," Amy added.

"Nope, I just want points for the food. But if anyone's interested, I've written a little song about how nice it is to give your friends maximum points in things."

 

"In fourth place," read the Doctor, "is the Master. Evil never pays," he added.

"It's the taking part that counts," the Master lied.

"In third place... River."

"I'm quite pleased with that," she said.

"In second place - sorry Amy - is... me?"

Amy jumped to her feet. "I won!"

"There must be a mistake," said the Doctor. 

"The only mistake was your mother coming off the Pill," said the Master. 

"But I always win! It's what I _do_!"

" _Now_ I'm going to kiss everyone," declared Amy. 

"Well," the Doctor mumbled, "I suppose I'll declare it a draw."


End file.
